First, I’d like to say that your title is alluring. I, personally, really like to see capitalization and punctuation in a poem because it gives me a better idea on how the writer wants it to be read and because I think a lot can be said through punctuation.

Grammatically, seat (in the 7th line) should be sit.

Otherwise, I like that your poem is short but it conveys a lot of emotion. Subtle and elusive language gives me the feeling of looking in on a secret (in other words, I like that you use: dripping, bare and uncovered). Those are descriptive words, which are great to read.

You say drip/dripping twice- just an observation.

I like that you say “you are terrified/ and in love with me” because the two emotions seem to contrast each other. The only thing that I would look into, if you’re looking to change your poem, is instead of saying things like “i am unafraid” you could try to show that emotion (or lack of) without saying it so directly. Does that make sense? So like instead of saying I love you, you find a way to still say I love you but without using the word “love” at all. Or the cliche: “show don’t tell”. I think your poem is good, but if you wanted to try that for a challenge, that would be cool too. Keep writing (:

-Emily

It’s been weeks since anyone has submitted a critique. For now, I’m going to assume that this experiment has failed. There will be no new poems posted unless critiques start coming in for what we already have.

If you would like a personal critique from me, you can send me an email and I’ll give you my thoughts.

The Poetry Workshop has 26 followers, but our current poem has only received one critique. If you are interested enough to follow, you probably have something interesting to say!

If you’re not sure how to get started, try looking at some of these great examples:

• One
• Two
• Three
• Four

There is also have a guide for critiquers which you might find helpful.

We’re looking forward to your thoughts!

P.S.: If you have any ideas about how to increase the participation rate, or comments about why you haven’t participated, please put them in the ask box.

I like the way the poem begins: there’s repetition (“i see…i see”) and the repetition eventually shifts (“i am”). The first few lines also have a good rhythm.

Then the poem takes a clever turn in which the repetition of “i” is mirrored by a repetition of “you”. This section is not quite as tightly organized. You might consider dropping the word “as” so that more of the “you”s are at the beginnings of their lines. (Also, did you mean “sit” for “seat”?)

Then there is the later part of the poem. Seeing the word “love” twice in four lines feels like too much. In fact, the entire line “and in love with me” feels redundant. It also messes up the rhythm. Going back from “you” to “I” also feels a bit out of place here. You might want to see what you think of the poem with “i see the love/that drips from your eyes” moved up with the other “i” lines.

In summary, a bit more focus on using the power of rhythm and repetition will help to create the same building tension in the reader that the two characters are feeling.

I want to make sure that things don’t just fizzle out here after a few weeks. That means we need followers! So if you have followers who might like the Poetry Workshop, please reblog this desperate message!

There didn’t seem to be enough interest to sustain one poem for a week, so I’m currently planning to post a new poem every Tuesday and Saturday.

i see you there
sweet and dripping
i see the gold
that falls from your lips
i am unafraid
and in awe of you
as you seat me down
on an easy chair
you look at me
bare and uncoverd
i see the love
that drips from your eyes
you are terrified
and in love with me
so you make ready
your paper and chalk
thoughts? comments? http://allibird.tumblr.com/page/2

A new poem will be posted sometime on Tuesday. If you want to critique our current poem, please do it before then!

I love the spirit of this poem, and really appreciate its message. As others have already said, the paradox of the “bolted down” “moving world” is nicely done.  It also has a nice rhythm to it, and allows lines to take their proper space (especially the last stanza, as well as “And regulate the rest away”).

The main issue I see in the poem is word choice. I get what you’re conveying with the “impossibly planned” world, but the word “impossible” as an adverb just doesn’t seem to work. (I try to stay away from adverbs in general.) Also, in most of the poem the speaker seems rapt by wonder of the “genius” creator, and yet describes “it” as “terrible.” The word doesn’t contribute to the controlling impression of this particular God-type.

The use of “But” as the transitional word between stanzas also strikes me as slightly off. The speaker makes the dichotomy of movement and stillness clear from the beginning of the poem, so there is no real contradiction here. I would suggest “And” as the best transitional word (I think it’s kind of ballsy to use the same conjunction twice within two lines, and it even works rhythmically here).

Others have suggested that you expand on some of the ideas in the poem, but I think that you have just about everything you need here. I suggest leaving the poem as sparse as possible. What is most important is that you allow your writing to mirror your theme; find the poem’s “every need” and make sure to “regulate the rest away.”

Overall, really nicely done! Great poem, fun to analyze. 

To the unidentified critiquer: there was some indentation that didn’t carry over properly when I pasted the poem from my main blog. I’ve fixed it. Does that change your perceptions at all?

There was a question about the terms of submission which are linked from the submission page. Those are put there by Tumblr, and I don’t think I change them. Please read the updated guide for poetry submissions for alternative modes of submission if you are interested.

We have 20 followers now, and a couple of critiques have come in for our first poem. For now, I’m planning on posting one new poem a week, because I don’t want critiquers to feel rushed, and I want submitters to get plenty of feedback. That said, there are already two poems in the queue waiting to be critiqued, so if the critiques start coming in fast, I will accelerate the schedule.

Hey Karl!

First up, I think ‘Moving World’ has a lot of potential - there’s a really strong imagery present, even in the title, and I like the dissonance between the title and the more ‘rigid’/unmoving imagery you use in the first stanza.

There are one or two things though - the first (and it seems like maybe this is just a formatting error rather than a choice, but I don’t know?) is that I’ve always been told not to capitalise on a new line, in poetry, unless you are beginning a new ‘proper sentence’.  I’m not sure whether this is a choice you made (to capitalise some words at beginnings of lines) or not, but apparently it’s not longer en vogue to start every new line with a capital (I did this myself for ages until some of my lecturers started to tell me off - haha!).  Either way, I feel like a consistency (either beginning every  new line with a capital, or dropping the whole poem to lower case) would distract less from the wonderful imagery and content.

Secondly, I almost feel like you need a break in the first stanza - to make it into two.  I kind of want to know more about the person who planned the moving world, or at least allow him (her?) his/her/it’s own stanza to develop that idea.  Or dispose of the notion of a creator altogether and just go the road of a totally autonomous/mechanised world.

I guess I just kind of feel that the first stanza needs to be strengthened a bit by a little more detail, or some more (and perhaps more specific?) images.  So far stanza one is a little bit general - I get the sense of this ‘moving world’ but I don’t feel like I can ‘see’ or understand it clearly enough to have the final few lines of the poem really hit home as they should.

Having said that, I ought to say that I really love the last stanza.  I think the ending is wonderful, especially the ‘we know’ (because it draws in all these questions about ‘how do ‘we’ know?  Have ‘we’ seen?  Have ‘we’ not seen?  Do we only think we know? etc etc).  It’s a really beautiful ending (and ‘is still.’ sounds wonderful, works very well as a closer, especially in contrast to the poem’s title).

In short I really enjoyed it, but I feel like it just needs a bit more ‘fleshing out’ so to speak :)

~K

Moving World 

In the moving world
Everything is
bolted down
built-in
adeptly
and impossibly
planned
By a genius so great
And so terrible
That it could anticipate the world’s
Every need
And regulate the rest away—

But the ground below
We know
Is still.

-I love the juxtaposition of “moving world” and everything being bolted down in the first couple of lines. But I think that you need to make more of a connection between the listing of the adverbs, built-in, adeptly, impossibly. Those words threw me off. I think you could transition it better at that point to make it clear that by “bolted down” you mean planned. Just replacing one or two of the adverbs to more accurate ones will probably fix this.

-I like the line “regulate the rest away”—but I’m assuming that you are talking about a God or some sort of diety when you say “planned By a genius so great and terrible…” but then you say IT when you describe what it is doing which distracts me from the “god” part. Personally I feel as though the line “by a genius so great and terrible” is a bit cliche and actually does not add to the poem.

—My favorite part is the last little stanza. It is perfect and so small. I feel as though you should expand that idea throughout the rest of the poem more so that when we do finally read it—it has that much more of an impact. Maybe replace the “god” part with something that pertains more directly to the last stanza. Otherwise find a way to tie those tow ideas closer together. 

GREAT JOB! it’s really beautiful! I also really admire what you are trying to do with this blog. Right now I’m in school so I have the privilege of having access to a creative writing workshop. But this is a great thing for those that don’t have that opportunity! : )